I always used to throw every unsteady emotion into an anxious state and now I’m able to distinguish the difference.I actually know what being nervous feels like now and I embrace it.I’m very good at imagining every possible worst outcome of every single situation I live and breathe.
The book signings and meet and greets that required all my mental strength to get through without ruining the experience for anyone by me having to run off.
Even something as simple as shopping in my local supermarket became something I was nervous to do alone in case someone stopped me for a photo.
For me to feel the benefits of not having my anxiety rule 85% of my brain on a daily basis.
It’s extremely tiring, having thoughts controlling every aspect of your life.
The amount of times I’ve stood outside my own launch events crying and struggling to breathe and not being able to step back inside (let alone other peoples).
The torture I’d put myself through trying to sit through my brothers film at his premier, something I wanted so desperately to sit and enjoy with every bone in my body and my mind just wouldn’t let me.I thought I had it under control by avoiding absolutely everything that would trigger the attacks and anxiety.As my channel grew in size and new and very exciting things started happening, I became very aware of the fact I was going to be missing out on potentially life-changing opportunities if I carried on living my life in the same way and it bothered me. I was meeting a lot of new people who all appeared to have their shizz together and I became so aware of the behaviours I’d installed so deeply into my subconscious mind that I didn’t really know where to start. Some weeks I’d feel on top of the world, and other weeks I would be rocking back and fourth in tears on a train on my own on my way to London to film something.I worked hard week by week to make changes in my behaviours and actions in order to undo all the work I’d done over 10 years to cement my anxiety.I learnt about it in a whole new way and I wanted more than anything for it to work.Missing out on things had become so normal throughout my late teens and early twenties, that I didn’t seem to care anymore.